Artwork by Jennifer Ding

Lexa Sypherd ‘27

REPORTER

Are you looking for a Valentine and not sure how to get one? Well, do not fear; I can be your Cupid this year. If you still find yourself tragically single on this world-loved holiday, then you are in the right place, my friend. I am here to give a 100% effective, totally not desperate, step-by-step guide as to how to make your Valentine’s Day a little less lonely, and filled with a little more love.

STEP 1: lower your expectations just a tiny bit. Oh, who are we kidding? Trust me, we all want that finance man, with a trust fund, 6’5”, and blue eyes, but let me tell you something, it’s not as easy as it sounds. They are a rare species. Once expectations are lowered, anyone coming your way who is semi-decent-looking, and not a serial killer could qualify as a possible contender. Now that we might have a couple of options, let me show you how to capitalize.

STEP 2: Set up a “coincidental” and adorable meet-cute! Yes, we’ve all seen those TikToks of the dude asking random people on the streets how they met. And one day that will be you, and let me tell you, you are going to have an amazing story to tell. Once the target is acquired, you must plan your totally accidental collision. Anyway, to execute a strategic collide, you must revert to clumsiness. Time to “accidentally” bump into your valentine while dramatically dropping all of your papers, and maybe... if you're feeling it, fall to the ground. Your valentine will have no choice but to help you up AND help you collect your papers. You’ll get to talking, and the next thing you know, bam! You’re each other's valentines.

STEP 3: Guilt trip your valentine. If for some odd reason, your target is still not your secured valentine, it’s time for plan B. I fear we’re entering the zone of desperation. However, since you and your special someone are besties due to your totally awesome, totally romantic, and totally accidental collision, there are no secrets, especially the one about how you don’t have a Valentine yet...I didn’t want to have to go here, but if it is needed, I want you to be prepared. During one of your many talks, briefly and very subtly mention the fact that you’ve never had a valentine, and you will probably be spending Valentine's Day alone, watching too many Nicholas Sparks movies (sigh... and dramatic pause). And the only Valentine you’ve had has been your brother, who was forced, by your mother, to simply give you a hug, out of pity. Ok so, if you say that, he might run away. So maybe don’t! But if this plan doesn’t work, then I don’t know what will. Because let me tell you, I have used every trick in the book.

With this guide, you can thank me for scoring a 10/10 date. I am setting you free, your valentine will be secured in no time! Unlike the total fail of a Valentine’s Day this year, now next year’s Valentine’s Day rests in your hands. Good luck!